The summer season is upon us guys. The season where it is acceptable to wear next to nothing to avoid tan lines and to drink Pimms at 10am. The season where your social life will boom and your current account balance will take a hit. But do we care? HELL’S no. Because we are too busy enjoying life to be bogged down by life’s mundane worries. Okay, this isn’t strictly true – my dwindling balance does mean I have to pick and choose which social events I attend, but it’s OKAY. I have a back garden where I can soak some rays to distract me from feeling sorry for myself. Positivity and all that.
So yeah. I have a love/hate relationship with spending my summer months in London. Loves, because there is so many frikkin’ things to do and see. You want a beach? Just head on over to the man made one at Southbank! Want to see a semi-naked man covered in tattoos with all things pierced? Head next door to London’s Wonderground (also known as the Udderbelly Festival) – anything goes in the weird and wonderful city. Hates, the mass of sweaty bodies sticking together on the tubes and the stench of BO rotting your nosehairs.
Here is my ‘official’ list of things that happen in London in the summertime:
1) It’s a rite of passage to have at least one lunchtime beer in the working week to attempt to rebel against working when it’s so glorious out.
2) All people will talk about is the weather.
3) You will crave a nice cool fruity Pimms around every 10 seconds.
4) The air con in the office gets cranked up so you will be shivering at your desk and wrapped up like an Inuit. OR the air con will break leaving you melting to your chair.
5) You chaff. A lot. Unless you have a thigh gap, which lets face it - most of us don't. We can suffer together guys don't worry.
6) Getting on the tube is like entering the sun.
7) You will get a large sweaty man leaning over you to hold the overhead rail on the tube, bearing his drenched BO filled pits in your face. YUM NICE.
8) People hate each other on the tube even more than usual.
9) Want a quiet beer in the sun? Forget it. Every tiny bit of beer garden space will be occupied by thirsty sweaty humans.
10) You can forget getting a good nights sleep. You can try and open all of your windows and risk getting burgled by every Tom, Dick and Harry – but the non-existent breeze will be hot and polluted. Yum.
11) You get even more black bogies.
12) You can shower 5 times and still not feel clean.
13) You battle with deciding to wipe the trail of sweat dripping down your leg OR should you just leave it and hope people don’t notice how utterly gross and sweaty you are.
14) Procrastination is at it’s highest point. Day dreams of lounging around in one of London’s parks enjoying life takes over trying to concentrate at work.
15) You notice that pretty much everyone around you is coughing, sniffling and sneezing all over you due to dreaded hayfever.
16) Wardrobe drama. "Do I take a coat, it could get chilly?" "Can you see my cellulite in this?" "Is this white dress see through?" "I could wear this but I can already see how horrific my tan lines will be." The list is endless.
17) Yes, you can burn in London. Wear sun cream people...
18) You love the fact it is advised not to go to the gym for fear of passing out. WINNING. I’ll just go to the pub then!
19) A fringe does not love summer heat. Hello dripping bangs.
20) There is an underlying pressure to go out every second the sun is showing its face. You commonly hear people say 'go out and enjoy the sunshine' - PIPE THE F DOWN. Sometimes I just want to curl up on my bed and watch Netflix. I'M SORRY IT'S TRUE.